Things I've learnt about myself.

Okay, so as a kind of follow up from the whole ‘I’m growing up’ blog post, I’ve decided to do one about things that I’ve learnt about myself. Some of them aren’t altogether new things but perhaps things I didn’t realise quite so much, if that makes sense.

First off, I’m impatient. This is one of the things I’ve always kind of known but always tried to deny. The fact of the matter is there are times when I have the patience of a saint. For example, if I’m waiting for someone to give me things back that I’ve lent them. Prime example being about 3 years ago, I lent my friend some DVD’s. It’s only in the past year that I’ve started badgering him about giving them back. That’s patience if ever I heard of it! Then there are times when I have zero patience: waiting for my order to be taken at a restaurant, waiting to get my food at a restaurant, walking behind the slowest walker in the world, when I get up early and have to wait for everyone else to wake up.  That’s just a few.

Secondly – I’m not independent. I think there was once a time I liked to pretend I was independent but, really, I’m so far from it. I can manage going to the shops alone or going to a friend’s house or uni, provided I have my iPod, but other than that I struggle. There’s absolutely no way I could go shopping by myself. I’ve done it once or twice before and it was horrible. The mere thought of going for a walk alone is mildly terrifying. I have no idea how people do it, seriously. I’m going to attempt it later, so fingers crossed I get somewhere.

Not being independent is probably the one thing that I want to change most about myself. Well, it’s a tie between that and my low self-esteem, but it’s definitely first or second on my list. It’s not even healthy, if you think about it. I’m nearly 22 and I practically have to have my hand held in order to go anywhere or do anything. Hopefully this will change in the upcoming months.

Another thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I bite my tongue a lot. I’ve always done it but usually only if what I wanted to say would hurt someone else’s feelings. Recently though, I’ve been doing it at university or whatever. There’ll be something I’m dying to say and I won’t say it. I think that mostly stems from being in a class of 99% girls. Girls intimidate me. A lot. I could list a billion reasons why but I’m not going to. So this is going to be another thing I hope to change. Obviously, I would never intentionally set out to hurt somebody’s feelings so I’ll continue to bite my tongue in that respect (unless it REALLY needs to be said), but in terms of things that wouldn’t really affect anyone, it’s got to change.

This might surprise anyone I know who reads this but… I recently cleaned my room. I mean, proper cleaned it. I swept the floor and I polished the units and desk. In fact, even having a desk is amazing because it was so covered in junk before. Doing this has helped me realise how much I prefer being in a clean environment. It’s easier to work in it, it’s easier to find things, and it definitely looks a lot better. There have been times before when I’ve part-cleaned my room and told myself, and those around me, that I’d keep it clean but I never did. This time, though, I will.

I’ve also learnt that I really enjoy museums. Ever since going on a date with Dave to the Natural History Musuem, I’ve been desperate to go to more. I’ve googled museums countless times, noting down which ones I want to go to (the free ones, obviously!) and when they’re open. So when Dave’s back off tour and less busy, I’m going to drag him to as many as I can before he gets bored of them.

Lastly, I have the lowest self-esteem I’ve ever had in my life. When I was 12 years old, I wasn’t particularly confident, but I believed in myself and my abilities. I’m not entirely sure what’s happened since then to change it but something has. I now have no faith in myself or what I can do. I second guess everything and doubt everything. When Dave says nice things about me, I doubt them because I don’t see what he does. When friends tell me nice things, I doubt them too. It’s ridiculous and it needs to change.

So, yeah… This has been my follow-up blog post! Bye! 

Growing Up.

I know it might seem quite strange that I feel like I'm finally growing up, given that I'm nearly 22 years of age, but I really do. There's lots of little things that make me feel this way and I guess this post is going to be based on them. At least, that's the intention. I tend to go off on one and I'll probably forget what I'm on about halfway through.

So, the first thing that makes me feel like I'm growing up is that fact I'm sitting at a desk, doing work (well, I was before I started this) and I'm enjoying it. I no longer want to wait until days before a deadline before I start doing work, I want to do it when I can and get it out the way so that I can check through what I've done and make any changes. In all my years of education, I have never wanted to do that before.

The second thing is that I'm now more willing to try things. Y'know how when you try and feed a young child vegetables, they sometimes throw a hissy fit - even though they don't know that they won't like them? Well, I was very much like that child (except I love vegetables). I was adamant I'd never go on a plane because I was sure I wouldn't like it, but now I'm willing to try. Okay, I'm not so keen on having to spend £80 on a passport, but I think it'll be worth it. Also, despite being a massive foodie, there's a lot of foods that I didn't like or wasn't willing to try, but that's changed now. I'm happy to try things and I almost look forward to it. I mean, I can now eat mushrooms. That alone is nothing short of a miracle.

Thirdly, I'm sitting in a clean room. It's not spotless, but it's really not that far from it. This is the first time I've had a clean room since moving into this room. I'm not entirely sure when I moved into it, but it was definitely a while ago. It's really lovely and it definitely helps to motivate me to do things.

As well as all of those things, I feel that, for the first time in my life, I'm in a proper, adult relationship. One where I trust him completely and I know that he's there for me whenever I need him. In my head, I've got big plans for us. Okay, they're not actually that big - they mainly consist of me having lots of pugs - but the point is, they're things that I want us to share. I want him to be by my side for a LONG time. I want to be 30 years old and waking up beside him. It's a scary thought, but really quite lovely too. Oh, and if he ever reads this, I'm going to have the nice office and you may share it with me. Okay?

What else has made me feel like I'm growing up recently? Oh yeah, the realisation that the reason I break down over stupid things sometimes is because I spend 99% of my time fighting how much I miss my mum and how much it hurts that she's gone, that sometimes I don't have enough fight left over for anything else. You'd think I'd have realised this sooner, given the fact it's been nearly 7 years since she died, but nope! I told Dave this last night and he said "Well I'm here to help you fight." It was probably one of the nicest things I've ever been told.

I think getting work published has also helped to make me feel more grown-up. It feels like a big thing, whenever I see my name next to something I've written. I can't really describe it, but it's a nice feeling. I guess it's reassuring, in a way; as though I'm good at what I want to do, or at least good enough to get it published.

Perhaps the biggest thing that's made me feel grown up would be the fact that I'll be leaving university in May and I'll have to get a job and pay bills and do all the things real grown-ups do. I'm half scared and half excited. It's an adventure, right? Bring it on!